Monday, September 5, 2011

Brunch My Wife Eats: Lacroix ... Guest Post for Philly Phoodie

This guest post was written by Evan - writer of the blog TV My Wife Watches - after taking his new bride to Sunday brunch at Lacroix. Evan's normal Sunday brunches consist of eating oatmeal and/or sleeping through brunch.

That's quite an "R", isn't it?
Getting married introduces numerous changes into a fella's life: Monday Night Housewives, Kashi Go Lean, and giving one person complete and total control of your life. HOWEVER, marriage also brings with it many wedding presents that no human being would ever purchase for themselves, such as: cheese domes (plural), blenders (ALSO plural) and gift certificates to ridiculous restaurants. So this past Sundee, I tucked in my shirt and took the wife over to Lacroix for their bonkers brunch buffet.

We were greeted at the fancy Rittenhouse hotel restaurant by two, young, sort-of attractive hostesses who were wearing matching black dresses. One of them told us "It's a pleasure to have you dining with us today," which led me to realize that A) she didn't know me and B) I hated her. That being said, she was nice enough and handed us over to some other dude who passed us over to some other dude who took us to our table.

Yeah, yeah, calm down, I'm getting to the food. Just trying to set the goddam scene.
Our table was in a totally empty dining room (THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING 'BOUT, kicking my shoes off!) and both of our chairs faced the window, looking out to the parking lot and Rittenhouse Square. My wife and I both thought this was dumb, so we asked Jean Paul (our waiter / host guy who looked EXACTLY like Kemba Walker) if we could switch to an adjacent table (and we did). Also, I was totally convinced Jean Paul left his nametag at home and was borrowing someone else's for the day. A black dude named Jean Paul?!?! C'mon!

This park was FILLED with Asian teenagers wearing sneakers that I owned in 1989.

I mean, the NBA is in a lockout, could Jean Paul have been ... ?
Not a jacker in sight.
You can't read the name at the bottom there, but it says "Mortimer Duke" -- like from Trading Places! Does Lacroix specialize in pork bellies?!?!
Round 1 through the buffet was spent at that table a few pictures above, a bunch of small hors d'oevres like proscuitto and ricotta croissants, and foie gras stuffed figs. I didn't take a picture of my plate, because I didn't think to blog about this until AFTER I saw the painting of Mortimer, but the watermelon in a seaweed macaroon was PHENOMENAL and I just had to spellcheck "phenomenal" 'cause that's a REALLY hard word to spell.

Watermelon in a seaweed macaroon. BONKERS.
During Round 2, we hit up the raw bar, filled with oysters, salmon, shrimp cocktail and a bunch of different kinds of caviar. I also grabbed some cheese and crackers (I consider myself a bit of a cheesemonger), which my wife called a rookie mistake. Also, yes, I'm totally aware that a "cheesemonger" is completely different from a "cheese-conisseur," but I just like to call myself a "cheesemonger" 'cause I think it sounds funny. By the by, filling up on cheese and crackers was totally a rookie mistake, but the Kentucky Bleu cheese (no idea if it was actually Kentucky Bleu) was strong like ox!

Kentucky Bleu in the upper left - STRONG LIKE OX.
Oooh baby I like it raw.

I'd estimate my wife ate around 19 shrimp cocktails.

I also consider myself a bit of an Orange Juice-monger, so I was very excited to guzzle down some fresh-squeezed OJ.

Also peep my wife's rings in the back -- thought it was important to prove to the world that a real-life human woman did in fact marry me.

Now that's some nice OJ - not quite as pulpy as I would've liked, but very smooth and delicious. And even though we had a gift certificate, I wanted to make sure we got our money's worth, so I drank around 5 glasses, which I estimate would've cost approximately $87.

It was now time for the good stuff, so we headed for the main courses for Round 3. Unfortunately, I was completely full from the cheese and crackers and fresh squeezed OJ.

I'm a rookie!

Lacroix's main course buffet is literally in their kitchen - as in, you walk INTO THEIR ACTUAL KITCHEN - to get your food. It was pretty cool, there were eggs and pancakes and waffles and normal breakfast entrees, as well as berzerker stuff like lamb, steak, duck, a charcuterie section, and a bunch of chefs the running around doing stuff and wearing actual chef hats and jackets.

Didn't see one person take an apple.
Lamb chops and flank steak. Not pictured: me freaking out because I was eating scrambled eggs and lamb chops.
Scallop Snausage ... I know!
Who puts a buffet in a kitchen?!?!

I asked one of the chefs (who honestly looked around 14 years old) what I HAD to try (even though I planned on trying everything) and he recommended the scallop snausage above. I had a sliver and it was good (I mean, it tasted like scallops and lemon), but the duck confit was the star of the main course. It was insane.

Some eggs, some bacon, the scallop snausage, DUCK CONFIT and some other isht.

Look at the fat on Daffy Duck. DOUBLE BONKERS.

There was also a lamb bacon and corn creme brulee that completely blew my mind. It was like eating some creamed corn on a Krispy Kreme donut while getting a hand job from a sixteen year old girl (or guy ... really, it wouldn't matter it was that good).

Inside this creme brulee is LAMB BACON AND CORN!!
After Rounds 4 and 5, it was time for round bathroom - possibly my favorite round - as I also consider myself to be a bit of a bathroom-monger. Lacroix's bathrooms were pretty standard, but had a chair sitting in the corner just in case you needed to take a load off but still keep your pants on.

The chair is one thing, but how 'bout the dude who completely missed dropping his towel in the basket and just left it there?! What a jerk!

Seeing the chair made me want to write a whole seperate blog post where I just sat in that chair for hours, staring everyone down that came in and documenting their reactions. I'd call it "Chairs My Wife Doesn't Sit In."

During break time, I also scoped out more of the pictures in the dining room and noticed they were ALL from Trading Places. In fact, Jean Paul explained to us that Trading Places was actually a play first - and had a run in Philadelphia, also where the movie was shot -  and in the original play, Billy Raye Valentine was a woman!

Check it out!

Eddie Murphy coulda played Billy Raye in drag.

This is Dan Aykroyd's character: Louie Winthrope (I had to look that up, which disappointed me).

In my online research (consisting of one, maybe two Google searches), I was unable to find any proof that Trading Places was actually a play first, but why else would those paintings be there?

Enough of the Trading Places talk, right? Let's get to Round Dessert.

Lacroix had tons of desserts, some in cute little shot glasses, as well as two different chocolate fountains and a dry ice station where one of the chefs was making some pistachio foam with lemon curd. Personally, I think the whole foam trend is kinda silly (even though I'm one of the few people who liked Marcel on Top Chef), but I must admit, it was really really good.

Pistachio foam thing and some stuff drenched in chocolate.
Cute Asian chef lady making the dry ice pistachio thing.
Check out that frog!
I'll eat anything with amaretto. I'm also not sure what amaretto is.
Does that blackberry do anything for ya? Also, is this the longest post in history?

Overall, it was a lovely morning/afternoon/lingering into early evening at Lacroix. If we didn't have a $150 gift certificate, we would've never gone (nor would I have tucked my shirt in), but we did and it was great. I highly recommend Lacroix to any newlyweds with money to burn or pompous jerks who are too good for dining with commonfolk.

For the record, I totally aspire to be one of these people.

Just without the whole shirt-tucking in thing.

You can read more of Evan's crap at where he writes about just that. You can also like him on Facebook here and follow him on Twitter here.


Evan said...

No comments!


Thanks everybody.

Philly Phoodie said...

Just got a comment, that's a long f'ing post.

Anonymous said...

The person who wrote this post was boring and tried to hard. Jean Paul could have been Haitian or somewhere else just shows how narrow minded he is

Evan said...

Trust me Anonymous, Jean Paul was NOT Haitian.

Also, isn't assuming he might be Haitian even MORE racist?

Maybe his parents were just trying too (notice how many o's are in there) hard to give their son some French flavor.

Marge said...

Hey Anonymous, not ALL Haitians are narrow minded! Just a vast, vast majority of them.